Final Fantasy 8 As told by Irvine Kinneas Part 1
by Meatbuns
Summary: Uhh the title says everything but just for kicks I'm going to say, Irvine's tellin the story


It was a dark and sunny morning (only dark because of the damned Garden walls and my window being blocked by the damned tree branches). All the birds had left Galbadia because of me, but I didn't care. My main problem was to find myself a loving devoted woman... yes but every time I'd leave the Quad they don't seem to be around… anywhere. All I saw were guys. So I gathered my belongings (which was a pencil at the time) and moved myself off to the training area where I practiced my sniper shooting by stuffing Twinkies in the small cap guns and shooting random people with it.

Course that got me in trouble a few times but after a while (with changing the sugary goods of course) I seemed to have never gotten caught. I started shooting real monsters... rather than those scary looking kids in the garden.

My looks have gotten sexier, but the women don't seem to agree. What a shame, all this charm and good looks for bullets and nickels. Damn, I should have become a fashion designer... have you seen the girls that take that course?

Anyway, so I had my things with me and I walked off to do my usual woman-hunting when I hear this announcement come on.  
It said that I had to go to the office and to not be late. As if I could be late, me of all people know exactly where that office is. If I'm going to be late it's going to be on purpose and you can't be cool and late at the same time.

So I was told that I was going to meet a bunch of rookies from another garden (I really can't remember the name of that Garden for the life of me and cool sexy guys like me don't ask stupid questions that would make people think we're arrogant). I asked if there were females but of course they withheld that information saying that it was classified. Whatever, I'd at least like to know who I'm supposed to work with. All I knew was that I was the only sniper in the group. Gee and you'd think some people would think about using a gun for shooting and target practice... pshh weird people I tell you.

I was told to go back to my bunker (or room rather, they don't like to call it bunker because it sounds too pirate-like). Right, so I found this uniform on my bed. Wow, I became a SeeD for just the purpose of this mission. What so I don't look bad for Galbadia Garden? Bah whatever as long as there are women on the road with me! Heh heh... I tried this suit on and let's just say I looked WAY sexier in my original get up. So I put my cowboy hat back on and 'saluted' the hideous patchwork. I walked out with my gun over my shoulder casually (as I usually do, I like to believe it adds to my sexy charm). I was told that these freaks from another Garden were supposed to meet me... I walked out to see these… WHOA! Wonderful looking most hottest bunch of women I have EVER seen! I couldn't believe my teal colored eyes. My first impression was to act cool... course because hell, I AM cool! I'm sexy, remember! So I walked out acting all cool, faked shooting the freak who was using me (of course I knew this, I'm intelligent and sexy) ... BANG! Damn poser. I joined this babelicous team. I picked my own team but that damned Squall had me on a team of nothing but men! I swear he had a thing for me. He looked at me funny sometimes, but I won't go too far into that because I'm so straight. That weird loud annoying girl Rinoa must've whipped him good. He never speaks a word and when he does he's makin me do all the work! Damn him! But hey, at least it's getting the attention of the ladies. Heh. Then we all got onto this train. So I thought I'd make myself comfortable by getting to know the women. The cute one shout at me... but I can tell she likes me. I'm irresistible. So I walked off to the hot one, she just looked at me evilly, I'm sure she said something but I don't recall because all women love me. I'm that hot. The annoying one... I don't remember her anymore... she said something about Squall and my mind blanked out. Hmm wonder what was up with that.

Ok so later on with the story we're off to find these freaks and I'm supposed to pick off the Sorceress. Something tells me that her nickname doesn't imply which brand of cereal she likes to eat. Come on, pick off someone who's equal in power to the wicked witch of the west or friggen Sauron for cripes sakes? What am I stupid? Course I had to play it cool and make it look like I've lost all my mojo (I'm like a really good actor), I wasn't going to shoot her, that's just plain stupid. Course Squall was acting all woman whipped again saying that I had to do it. Does this guy ever think about the future? Or about which woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with (or the night with)? Hmmpf figures so I decided to humor the guy and shot the damn Sorceress... or shot AT rather because she BLOCKED IT! Course she blocked it, she's an evil sorceress that JUST killed some guy for sport so that everyone could marvel at her morbid ness. She's morbid, but she's also hot, but let's not get into that.  
ANYWAY so we get back to their home and it's like a moving alien spacecraft or something! It crashes into this fisherman village and the cute girl we traveled with was all sad and stuff because her previous garden had been bombed to the friggen core of the earth. Which in Irvine terms means, SCORE! Its pancakes for breakfast tomorrow! Ha ha!

Ok but seriously, I had really felt for Selphie, so I requested the aid of Squall. We went over to where poor Selphie was and he asked me to handle it all! It's not like I know women sheeshk. So I talked to the poor girl. She was upset about the flower festival. I'm thinkin this is all the girl had left to live for, seems how her home garden was pulverized like woman whipped Squall.

So I agreed to help her with this festival thing. She made me a part of the band because I'm the hottest guy there… ha ha just kidding I just wanted to get laid. I couldn't be happier because I got to be with all the chicks (and Zell but sometimes he acts like a chick but I won't tell him this because he's already gone Spice Girl crazy on my ass). I think she made an excellent choice for me to be in the band. I'm up there in the concert so that all the pretty ladies can see me... oh! And so that Selphie can fall madly in love with my sexy charm. I'm hot, did I mention that?

I tried to hook up Squall and that annoying chick but they didn't seem to mesh. I think the dirty magazine didn't help his mojo bah and there goes helping him I don't think he has a mojo for women… it's got to be with that Seifer guy, but let's not talk about that this is all about me and my story right? Well he's never going to get laid now! What a dummy! Jebus, the things you do for a guy.

Well now we're on a hunt to take out this guy named Seifer that Squall is so obsessed about. I'll get back to you all on that later with my next entry... which I won't write because I'm trying to WOO Selphie. She blushes when I talk to her so I KNOW she likes me. Who doesn't remember, I'm sexy! I just have to remember not to fall on my face next time….Oh I forgot to mention the time when I rescued everyone from that sandy prison. That's right I friggen rule! I'm like the hottest bravest sexiest man in Garden. Care to doubt me? I think not. Damn I'm hot. Now I have to go flex my butt muscles and listen to my sexy self sing. I'll be back to tell you what happens on the next two disks…


End file.
